It’s completely ridiculous. Even before telling them I had bought the tickets I knew it wasn’t happening. I mean, they don’t like music at all. Not even once have they ever asked me how is music school going or what’s my piano teacher’s name. The thing is, music is what matters the most to me and when my parents reject it is like they were rejecting me in a way and as everybody else, I hate feeling rejected. So I try and I try and I try until I’m absolutely exhausted and shattered.
Maybe five years ago I would have enjoyed going to the play all by myself. Actually, back then I used to spent a lot of time alone and it was good, but after F. loneliness only gets heavier as time passes. It hurts, it makes me sad. Or perhaps all this has something to do with expectations. My farcical, bigger-than-I expectations. It’s hope. Hope is a fucker.
I’m always trying to get my parents to share the things I enjoy, and they always let me down. For example, two months ago I bought tickets for The Nutcracker. They are really good seats and so I paid for them a whole deal of money I shouldn’t have spent. Now they don’t want to go. I just need to stop doing things for people who just won’t appreciate it. And I’m not talking about my parents only.
I just noticed E. is always the one who calls or writes first. Actually when we ran into each other at the bookstore, he was the one who asked for my number. That’s kind of unusual but hey, don’t get too excited, is only a matter of time before he realises how annoying and untalented I am.
- E: I just remembered I didn't offer you tea that day.
- A: Oh don't worry. I understand if you don't want to share it with me.
- E: I guess you'll have to come over again.
- A: Maybe I can do that.
- E: Now we're talking.
I get incredibly anxious everytime someone from my own city follows me.
I would prefer them not to do so.
The idea of waking up in the morning and actually having to live annoys me 90% of the time.
I wrote this last week, before my date with E., naturally:
I had a date with one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met. It was also the weirdest date of my life. Actually, I’m not sure if it was a date. At some point we found ourselves alone in his room chatting and laughing. I think that’s a date. Is that a date? Anyway, he just wrote me telling he wants to see me again. That’s a win!
The bank blocked my credit cards. I own around $3000. And I have no work and only around $30 cash.
Fuck it. I’m going out anyway.
I was thinking, this is my blog, right? This is the one place in which I show my rawest side and write about almost all of those things I wouldn’t say to anyone. It’s my outlet and there’s no reason to lie. So let’s come clean about some facts: